Thursday, November 18, 2010

Our Angel is "2"

I am a little late getting this post up. We don't have the internet right now and so it is so hard to blog, but this post is very important to me so I had to find a way to blog.  Here is what I wrote in my journal on the day of our Angel Sharyn's Birthday.

   "Here We are, the day I have been dreading for a few weeks now. The day that 2 years ago changed my life forever. November 14th 2008 Our baby girl Sharyn was born into heaven this day and it brook and changed our hearts forever!
   Ever since November was turned to, on my calender I have been so sad. (Well truthfully ever since Ambree's birthday) I find all the memory's leading up to that fateful day so vivid in my mind. First it was Halloween And I was so happy to be pregnant and then it was putting up all the thanksgiving decorations, and how fun that was, everything reminds me of her and how desperate I felt after she was gone. I find myself crying at the slightest things and can't seem to pull it together.
   Its funny how life works and how just a few days ago I was talking to another mother of an angel baby, she lost her baby boy just a week or so before I lost Sharyn and she said this year (her baby's 2nd birthday too) was very hard for her as well, much harder than her baby's first birthday. She said that she just did not have the support this year and that no one seemed to really understand her pain. I found that so sad for her and I also know what she was feeling. It's been strange this year with so many new emotions that have come up that I was not expecting.  I guess I didn't expect new emotions after 2 years. But I don't know why not. I am sure there will continue to be new emotions I have not felt yet, year after year.
   I also think that maybe its been so hard this year because I was kind of caught off guard.  I have been so happy for a while now with our baby girl Ambree. Not that I feel in any way that she has replaced Sharyn, but she has taken my mind off all that I am missing with Sharyn. But then it hit me this month "ALL THAT I AM MISSING!" That was it! That is what I have been so sad about, I am missing so much. I see all the fun things Ambree is doing and I wont see those things with Sharyn. It is so hard!
  I really have been dreading Sharyns birthday so I decided I needed to do something to replace the pain and heart ache with good memory's for me and my family. So I decided that we needed so new traditions for the month of November that was in honer of our Sharyn. First if felt that we needed to some sort of service to give back and to strengthen our family. I decided that this year we needed to donate blessing dresses the hospital for other mothers that have lost a baby girl. I was so grateful that someone had donated Sharyns blessing dress other wise I would not have had her in a White dress that day. I really wanted that for her and it almost did not happen. The nurses asked me if I wanted to pick out an outfit for Sharyn and since we had not expected her passing I had not bought her her blessing dress yet. I asked if they had a white dress for our angel and they went looking. One of the nurses came back after awhile and said that they had looked everywhere and could not find one. I was so sad, but just shortly after that she came back with this tiny white blessing dress that was beautiful. She thought it might not fit Sharyn because it was so small but when they brought her into us for the first time, she was waring this perfect dress. The nurses were amazed that it fit her so well. They said it was like it was made just for Sharyn.
I decided that the hospital needed more blessing dresses for other mothers that also wanted there angels girls dressed in white. So my mom and I went shopping for our dresses. We found 2 beautiful dresses that would be perfect. I also wanted to make a matching handkerchief that I could give the grieving mother. When I lost Sharyn a wonderful women in our ward came over and gave me an old antique looking handkerchief that was very special to her. She also had lost twins and had many miscarriages and was given this handkerchief as a gift to dry her tears. She said that it was a grieving handkerchief and that when I was ready and did not feel I needed it anymore that I could pass it on. I thought that was such a thoughtful gift from one grieving mother to another. So I decided that I had to give one too.
We also attached a poem to the dress...

Precious Child Remembered
We know that you are hurting
We know just how you feel.
The pain deep inside your heart
You feel it can't be real.
We know what's going through your mind,
Thoughts that cloud it through the day.
We're on the road you're traveling now.
It can be handled, there's a way.
Don't fight the tears you're feeling,
You must just let them flow.
Speak of your child daily
To many people that you know.
Find others who can understand
They'll hold you as you cry.
The questions, we have all asked,
All the how's and every why.
We will always think of our child,
No one will have to say a word.
They will remain in our hearts
Our precious child remembered.
(Unknown)

  And then I added my story. It was so heeling to do this for another mother going through what I went through 2 short years ago and I hope that I lessen the sorrow in some mothers heart.
They loved the dresses and thanked us for the gift!


After we took flowers and balloons to Sharyns grave. We wrote messages on the balloons telling Sharyn how much we loved her.


Ryanne wanted to add kisses to all the balloons. She is so cute!
My sister Sharon came to the grave also


My mom and dad were also there. It meant so much to me that they came to celebrate out little girl. 

We sang Happy Birthday, that made me teary-eyed!

We decorated the table in purple, light green and pink, and the same balloons and flowers we put on her grieve.
I loved it!
Here cake had a fairy and lady bugs on it, Because she is our lady bug.
It ended up to be a wonderful day and I hope that as we continue to do good things in honer of our baby Sharyn that November will become a happy month and something I look forward too.
I love you and miss you so much Sharyn! I am grateful for you and all the lessons I have learned these past 2 years. I have learned how precious our family is and how special each one of you are. I have learned to be present in every moment, not to take for granted anything. And to really on the Lord for comfort. I know I will get to see you again and I will see you grow and experience all that you can be. I love you so much!
Happy Birthday Sharyn! (our guardian angel)

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Our Ambree is "1"

I can't believe it Ambree is 1 years old now!

I was looking back at all the fun things we did this past year and how life was even more special that Ambree was apart of our family. She has grown so much, she was so small and helpless and now she is 18lbs and into everything! I love it!
                  (Ambree is only 3 weeks old in these photos)

I love her so much and she brings such joy to our family.
I decided to go BIG for her first birthday. I never got the chance with the other kids so this was my chance to do it the way I wanted. I wanted a Halloween theme (from now on I wont get a say on how her party will be, she'll want princes or something girly, not Halloween)  I also wanted it to still be cute. I decided to go Skullanimals. I think they are so cute and perfect for a Halloween one year old party.
The sign reads "Ambree's 1 be very afraid"

I also decorated everything in hot pink, Orange and black. I think it turned out very cute!




 
we had soap and pumpkin bread bowls, Yum!
 We invited about 40 friends and family over for soup and cake.
We had lots and lots of fun and I  got some really cute pictures too!

We also took some balloons over to Sharyns grave to include all of our family in the party. (I love you and miss you so much Sharyn)

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And we had to take some to my Grandpa Bills Grave too because he loved the holidays



I am so happy with the way the day turned out and I loved every minuet of it.(it was a lot of work too so I am glad its over as well ;)
I think she had fun too!
I love you so much Ambree and can't wait to see what you do next. You are such a blessing to our family!