Are we done yet?

I am sorry I have not written in a while, expectantly about my feelings of being pregnant again, and my baby girl Sharyn. I think about her all the time but It has been hard for me to wright about her lately. My emotions are is such turmoil all the time that it is hard to pin down and write what I am truly filling.
I think I am not trying to think about being pregnant and the possibility's of what could happen. I just am pretending that things are normal just so I can bare the wait and make it through these long hard months.
I am so nerves all the time with this pregnancy. I am fine if I don't think about it, but as soon as the subject comes up, I can't help but to be nerves. I am having lots of mixed fillings about this baby. Like what if something goes wrong? What if its a boy, how will I feel? What if it is a girl how will I feel? So on and so forth.
I am so so exited to have November here and everything be all right. I just want this pregnancy over with and a new healthy baby In my arms.
The other day I saw my doctor for my regular appointment and he had a hard time finding the baby's heart beet. I was terrified. What if something goes wrong? How will I be able to handle this all over again? I don't think I could. Finlay he found the baby and the baby was just fine. The baby is just really high in my belly and it is hard to find the heart beet. The baby is just under my belly button.
I also am so nerves to find out what I am having. I don't think I really want to know, because I know that If I am having a boy I will be disappointed. I know that I would love him so much, but I would be sad to not have a baby sister for Ryanne to play with. To be able to see her as a great big sister to her baby sister. She was so happy to be having Sharyn, a baby girl to play with. She was trilled to be able to teach her all about being a little girly girl, and to have someone to dress up and do her hair. I also will miss all the fun of buying girly things that I did not do with Ryanne when she was little. But I just keep telling myself that what ever we are having, it is a blessing and that I should be grateful. And I am grateful, I just am ready to move on to the next step of this pregnancy.
My big ultrasound is in just a week on the 11th and I am scared to death. What if there is something wrong with the baby? I would just die. Any way I am just going crazy, and can't wait until all of this is over and my baby is safe in my arms. We only have a 160 days to go. Yug! I am so looking forward to that day. I can't wait!

Just a little note to our baby girl, Sharyn: I love you and miss you so much Sharyn and can't wait to be with you again. I hope you don't think I have forgotten you even though we are having a new little one. You will always be my 4th child and hold a special place in my heart. You will never be forgotten! I think about you every moment and want you to know the deep love I have for you, that your daddy and brothers and sister have for you. We all miss you and can't wait to see you again! We Love you Our beautiful little girl, Sharyn!